Get Busy

So it was kind of strange for me that very quickly into a party I found myself in conversation with a breast cancer survivor who had recently completed a mastectomy and reconstruction but mainly wanted to talk about fear.
She had been given the option of chemo or not and choose not to have chemo. I think she was pretty happy with that decision but it was starting to leak into the fear zone.
Fear it was going to come back.
Tomorrow I go get a blood panel done that includes a check for a tumor marker. It's a 100% marker, but is typically included in well checks for people like me.
Then in January I will have a CT scan of my torso since sarcoma generally goes to the lungs next and that is where breast cancer may come back ( two birds - one stone).
With all this checking up, I should be able to put fear on hold and just wait for the results - the data.

I am more interested in re-establishing my confident athletic self. I am not training like Rocky though. I could find plenty to criticise my lazy self about, in fact.
I really need to get busy. Maybe pull out the Ipod and start doing sit-ups, too.

Fears

In his regular Saturday column Bob Lively writes:



"I have become convinced that heaven's consistent message to humanity is the three-word admonition: "Be not afraid!" "

I don't know if this is heaven's consistent message but it is something I am directly dealing with now.

http://www.statesman.com/life/content/life/stories/faith/2009/12/12/1212words.html

I just don't know if I am learning to live without paralyzing fear in the face of fatal illness or not. Having lived through more than a year of cancer treatment I came to think of cancer as a certainty. Now, although no one can or would say that both cancers are cured, it's not certain that they will come back.

Do I need to feel certain? In the midst of life, death comes. This was no better proven than the accidental death of Ed. We were all certain he was going to outlive most of his long time friends. I wonder if a certainty that life was going to be long and full made his life rich with friends and adventure?

I remember being young, certain, adventurous and barely touched with thoughts of mortality. What about this life I have now? Maybe I should just pick a stance and go with that? If cancer returns, then I will deal with that, if it does not, at least I wont have lived as though it's around every corner and under every cough.

A year ago my plan was to return to my life and proceed as though nothing had happened. That is really not possible. Cancer has left it's marks. Will I get the focused brain that recalls facts, names and organizes information? Chemo brain is no fun. I flat out do not recall events I should from the past and my short term memory is not that good either.

I am fortunate to have the love of family and friends. Although I have lost in areas our society uses to measure worth (money, possessions and position) I don't feel like a loser, just embarrassed on occasion. Although after hundreds of thousands of dollars of treatments, no one else seems embarrassed. We all seem concerned that there is not enough money to do the research and improved treatments needed. I recently read that treatments for osteosarcoma are twenty years old. No recent break throughs that have entered accepted treatment practices.

There have been many fearful and dark experiences and sometimes I feel pressure to cast myself as a victim of my experiences, but truthfully, I think I’ve benefited from them as well as fallen victim. Maybe I can build on that feeling to fight fear.



At 60 plus I know I am not immortal and that death will come. However, I would still like to not be home when death comes knocking.

Wondering Myself Into a Lather

I can spend more time standing and walking now.

The other day the big toe on my left foot hurt. What I would have blown-off previously now became a worry that osteosarcoma was coming back! I googled. It didn't help. I wondered about my DNA. Was it programed to turn on osteosarcoma again?
(TP53 and RB1, two well known tumor suppressor genes, are altered in Osteosarcoma )
I began to worry about the telomeres caps on my chromosomes. The visual from PBS "Nature" looked something like a Q-tip floating in space. But then I remembered that stress and aging both contribute to destruction of telomeres. Oh No!

About this time I realized my toe didn't hurt anymore.

So I guess I wont be having my foot amputated after all.

I better figure out how not to be so fearful.

http://www.medindia.net/news/breakingnews/Nobel-Prize-in-Medicine-2009-58977-1.htm

http://www.nih.gov/researchmatters/november2009/11232009longevity.htm

http://atlasgeneticsoncology.org/Tumors/ConvOsteoID5344.html

Off My Chest - it's contagious

This had been a pretty good day even though Charley was ill this morning and did not come for breakfast.
My Mother planned to have the minister over for a visit. She came up with a menu which I followed. I made the split pea soup Monday and went to the store to get sour cream at her request and a few other items for the apartment.
Lunch was good. Mom got to talk a lot with the minister. A good friend of Mother's drop by for a short visit as the minister was leaving.
Then as I was mindlessly watching Letterman while Mother got ready for bed, she decided she had to unburden herself about how unhappy I was.
I guess she did not mean to drive up my blood pressure, but she did.
It was kind of a strange way from someone who said they had a happy day to act.

Life and Networks

Sunday the rain took a break and on a small hill in the country of hills we had a small service to remember a fallen friend. It's difficult to sum up the celebration of a life we did not want taken from us. I also find that my cancer experience and likely the effects of chemotherapy renders me easily over whelmed and wrung out by emotional events.

The event seemed to bring out the best in each of us. Great donated facilities, organization, music, sound system, photos, stories, food, drink and spirits.

There were lots of friends from many different phases of Ed's life. Artie and band played old time guitar and fiddle music reminiscent of the Alabama hills music Ed loved from childhood.
There were many friends hugging each other. There were some thoughtful words and good stories told.
I appreciated my RFR neighbor's Ed stories (trash-collector ambush, black powder log splitter and bringing his new love to the 'hood). I refrained from hobbling up to tell the story of Ed laying in wait for the Dog Catcher so he could explain that his services were not needed because we were a self sufficient neighborhood where some visiting dogs (like his dog Rocky) were welcome and the dogs that were not were shot. It should be noted that no dogs were shot and Rocky was in doggie jail several times.
Ed the friend, adventurer, father, uncle, husband, son-in-law, neighbor, and network center.
His family seemed in good spirits but missing a husband and Dad will go on for years.
I don't believe that there is a God in Heaven that decided it was Ed's time and not mine. My God may welcome us back to dust and spirit, but I believe is mainly a creator and connector of spirits. I don't have this God stuff, death stuff or life stuff figured out and likely never will.

I've been to the Dung Beetle Bar and found there seems to be more to life- another dimension so to speak.

I have felt lifted by the spirits and positive prayers of friends and family. I don't understand it but I know it helps me and sustained me through some very dark hours. Maybe it manifests through the social network scientist are studying.

http://www.statesman.com/search/content/editorial/stories/insight/2009/12/06/1206social.html

Nicholas A. Christakis of Harvard Medical School and James H. Fowler of the University of California, San Diego wrote 'Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives.'

Laughs

I indulged in a couple of hours of laughter. At the suggestion of friends I went to "Tuna Does Vegas" at the Paramount Theatre http://www.austintheatre.org/site/PageNavigator/venues/paramount/history

( http://www.tunadoesvegasthetour.com/photo_slide.htm ) It is a show for people who are fans, love the characters created over the past 20 years plus and love to laugh.

I guess it might be the last play that comes out of Greater Tuna. Apparently Vera Carp's Smut Snatchers have run out of smut to snatch in Tuna. Other signs of closure were DiDi Snavely found a man in Vegas, Aunt Pearl rescued a peacock , Inita Goodwin and Helen Bedd and Bertha Bumiller is getting over being shy.

All in all it was a fond portrayal of the Tuna characters and Southern Baptists without the darkness of the dishonest judge or the KKK.

Aunt Pearl reminds me of my fifth grade teacher.

Thankful for Suport

I am especially thankful for the support of friends and family this Thanksgiving.

I am also thankful for the cancer support and treatment professionals and volunteers who have smoothed the way to survivorship. Most notable are the Seton Cancer Care Team, Shivers Clinic, medical staff and students with University Medical Center Brackenridge, Cancer Connection hospital visitation volunteers, Breast Cancer Resource Center volunteers, and UT MD Anderson Adult Sarcoma Center medical staff.

I am thankful that a young relative of mine checked into a drug and alcohol treatment center for alcohol treatment.
It's a long and complex road ahead that will take all of us working together to change history.

Fighting an addiction is a fight for life.

Fight For Life

The way I feel now is that no matter what, I am for treatment versus uncontrolled cancer for as long as my body can survive the treatments.

I was distressed to hear of someone with brain cancer who has determined that they will go ahead with radiation treatments but want to stop treatments if the radiation doesn't work.

I don't know the aggressiveness of her brain tumor(s) and I am not a doctor, but determining that one will take one shot at treatment is not my way.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I was impressed with how painful cancer was and how it had messed with my mind.

When patient advocates of the Liddy Shiver Sarcoma Research Center asked if treatment is worse than cancer, Dr. Paul Meyers observed that "My experience teaches me that no matter how bad things are with treatment, to have cancer out of control is worse than any treatment that we could devise. And the vast majority of side effects that we're talking about are transient and reversible, but the benefits are permanent. And I would urge you to continue treatment as long as you possibly can, because every day you stay well is a day we may get closer to a true cure for your disease."

There are treatments for sarcoma, but no "cure." Some treatments do result in long-term survival.

I Think I Know

I was listening to my sweetie relate that almost every holiday I seemed to have an emergency or hospitalization associated with a holiday during my first year of cancer.
Several times during trips to the ER he thought I was going to die.
I can't recall impending feeling of doom or death.

On one occasion I was hospitalized with a high fever and low blood pressure. He thought I was not going to make it.

I think that if each wrote out our stories it would be quite a " Rashomon" moment.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rashomon_(film)

In my version I was just following orders to call the EMS when my temp exceeded 101. The low blood pressure was kind of a surprise to me. I was more focused on the fact that I was reconnecting with the child of friends that I felt certain my daughter would like to reconnect with. That is one of the ER nurses was that child (now grown-up).

I was pretty happy and peaceful through all the "fuss." In my mind I had a fever because my white cells were low. When the white cell count rebounded, I would be well. This was a side effect of the chemotherapy I was receiving.

I recall thinking that it took a long time to receive the two units of blood from the blood bank and wishing they would use my portacath instead of hunting for a vein.

If this is what it was like to be near death, then it was not what I expected. I was unafraid, happy and sorry I was inconveniencing my sweetie with the long stay at the ER on the day before Thanksgiving 2008.

I have to give credit to my sweetie's belief that I was near death since he was conferring with the medical staff, in his right mind and not on morphine like I was.

If I had died then, I don't believe I would have felt afraid or doomed. I think it would have seemed like a natural phase of life at the time.

Don't misunderstand. I am not ready to go. I have much to do, love life and wonder about the future too much to want to leave now.

It's just amazing to me that near death was not frightening or colored with feeling of doom.

Turkey Day Plans

I have decided to cook the turkey. I can fix the stuffing the night before, get the turkey started early, start cooking the giblets for gravy and rest up until it's done.
Someone else can do the side dishes while I have my feet up.
Sounds like a plan to me.

I used a turkey roasting bag last time with lots of success. I think I will do that again.

I can not recall Thanksgiving last year. I was pretty sick and weak.

Blue Bell Ice Cream recently came out with a no sugar added homemade vanilla flavor. I am going to try that, too.

I Dropped the Angel

Today I broke the angel Christmas coffee mug. I am not sure exactly what I did to drop it, but it felt like my fingers closed over the handle and bounced open as I was pulling it from the shelf.

It seems to be part of the chemotherapy induced peripheral neuropathy. I think the cumulative doses of cisplatin is the culprit.

It should improve as I am able to excersie more and has less of the chemo in my system. Some estimate improvement in 6 to 12 months after chemo ends. I hope it clears up sooner.

Apparently the ringing in my ears is part of that. They do expect that to improve.

I guess I am getting well enough be more concerned about the side effects instead of just lying around with my feet up.



One of the nurses recommended 15 mg glutamine twice a day. I need to get some and do that. I think they sell it at Whole Foods.

Now plan for Thanksgiving!

Happy Anniversary

This week my sweetie and I celebrated our 42nd anniversary with dinner out.
We are grateful to have this next year to look forward to after having survived the past year.
That was a tough one.

By chance we ran into a couple at the restaurant that were at our wedding. They have been married 45 years. I recall 42 years ago thinking that they were an old married couple. I was child and knew nothing.

Barb and Strick graciously picked up our tab. It's great to have such supportive friends.

This past year has devastated our pocketbooks, but we will swim on and not sink. Getting a chance to restore my health is priceless.

A Sad End To The Day

I am in shock and saddened over the shooting deaths at Ft Hood Today. I am glad that the shooter was captured and will go through a judicial process. It might help us understand what happened and he will live to be accountable.

I saw one report that seemed to say that because Killeen was the site of another mass killing, they were somehow less shocked?
That makes no sense to me. The 24 people killed at the Luby's Cafeteria in Killeen were normal civilians killed by a madman in Oct 1991.

I don't know who was killed and who was shot but I'll bet that most of them were either just born or very young children in Oct 1991. Many are unlikely to have ever heard of the shooting.

When our friend Jim Groenewegen committed suicide in November of that year, a Victim Services counselor was sent to the scene. Jim had shot himself rather than continue to die of the pancreatic cancer that had metathesized through out his body. We knew how ill he was and sadly accepted that he wanted control over his death. We were in much better shape than the counselor who still needed to work through the trama of providing services to so many people who were either shot and lived or had suddenly lost a love one to the Luby's mass killing.

My Dad was a psycologist in the Army during WWII. He used to tell me that his job while in the Army was to weed out the soldiers who were more likely to kill their own than kill the enemy. After the war, his job was helping to repair the damage that fighting and killing the enemy had done to normal soldiers who stayed to fight and watched their friends die, too.

What ever was going on with the shooter at Ft Hood, I think killing the people within the army he belonged to was a different kind of statement and craziness than going to Lubys and killing a bunch of strangers. Killing people who were part of the group he belonged to was like a final tearing himself apart. Too bad he didn't tear himself instead of killing and wounding so many people.

Its all sadness and pain.

I Am Not That Brave

This evening someone commented to me how brave I was and observed that I had been through so much. I guess I really have. I have also come to know a number of people who have been brave through so much more than I have experienced.

I was at a memorial service for one such person. In the end chemo and stem cell treatments were not able to tame her cancer. The symptoms became unbearable. She was in hospice care and heavily medicated with a morphine combo to relieve her pain and discomfort. She died with family around her and friends thinking of her and doing for her family.

I suppose one reason I tend to diminish my bravery and all is that none of the chemotherapy I have had was as bad as uncontrolled cancer. Cancer hurts. Well, the breast cancer hadn't started hurting, but the osteosarcoma was very painful. It was like having my bones broken from the inside.

Hope and purpose are strong therapies, too. I used to wonder how cancer patients could go through amputations, organ and tissue removal surgeries, and poisonous therapies. Now I know. Its the hopeful and less painful path.

Not Normal Yet

Its been a week of gasping for air.

My red cell count has been down for awhile. Last Wed I received a shot to stimulate red cell production. I don't think it has taken yet. I am still fatigued and the slightest activity leaves me gasping.

I have been re-reading "Into Thin Air" by John Krakauer, but those folks while gasping are climbing Mt Everest. I am just walking to the kitchen.

(I really like the snapper in the photo at right taken by my friend Bill Bryant on Walnut Creek in Austin. It's a wonderful photo.)

My car is fixed. The transmission was rebuilt and main seal replaced. Hopefully its good for another couple of years.

I had another bit of luck in the face of disaster. When the transmission rebuilder put the car back together a bolt remained loose in the right front wheel and the brake lines were not bled. I first experienced it as soft brakes. Then over the weekend we took it to friend's who have a very steep driveway and live up a steep twisty road. The car was making noise. It sounded like a bad bearing.

The luck was that the wheel didn't fall off and crash the car. Anyway, we returned it to our mechanic who returned it to the rebuilder who called and took full responsibility for the mistake, fixed it promptly and delivered the car to me.

I was so happy to have wheels again that I did a grocery store trip at 5:00 pm. That's something I would never do normally.

The parking lot and store was packed with tired working parents and bored, frantic kids that were all hungry.

I was stomping around with my cane and chemo side affects grinning like an idiot.

Besides the low red cells, I have ringing in my ears and periodically experience something like fire ant bites on my arms and legs. They aren't bites, just my poor jangeled nerves. Still I stare at my arms wondering why they aren't covered with blisters. You can't see any effect on my skin, it just feels like a bunch of fire ants biting all at once. Fortunately it does not last and it is supposed to go away.

A Turn For The Better

I just returned from MD Anderson and the Adult Sarcoma Center with good news.

After scanning me from skull to toes my doctors have determined I have no cancers and have had enough chemo.
Yeah!
The doctors say that it will take about 3 months for the chemo to clear my system. Today I received a shot to bolster my red blood cells. I look forward to feeling normal and not tired all the time.

They say that it was my genes that brought on the cancers and, now, my genes are responsible for my tolerance of chemo and response. Osteosarcoma is rare but frequently deadly to adults.

I have to begin to imagine myself healthy while keeping an eye out for spread. I am glad to have this battle today and the support of my friends.

I am still a little in shock.

OK It's Fall

Yesterday a friend dropped by some Columbian squash soup. It was amazing. The squash has a similar flavor and color to the butternut squash but is a much larger squash. She roasted the squash and other vegetables and peppers used in the soup. The soup has a very rich orange color and a wonderful taste. I am going to have to find out what they look like and get one to roast. Maybe this would be a great Thanksgiving casserole dish?

I planted my President Johnson Amaryllis Bulb. It should bloom after the first week of December. Blooms should be white with a red fringe and about 20-inches tall. The bulb was as big as a baby's head.

The basil still looks good but the season is ending. I need to get some pine nuts and make some pesto before it's too late.

I have two tomato plants acquired very late. They have blooms but I doubt we will have tomatoes. I just got started way too late. We have had some bees by that surely pollinated them.

Today I made some chicken/corn soup from memory. Its a problem having all my good stuff on the bookshelf at home and not being able to access it. The soup turned out nicely. I have some roasted Hatch peppers to sprinkle on my bowl of soup. Mother is more Midwestern in her tastes than southwestern.

I have been bone tired since returning for the nationals. I don't know why. Hopefully its not a new symptom. I always have test anxiety before PET, CT, Xray and blood panel checks. Mother is feeling tired, too. She says she thinks she has a virus. I hope whatever it is will pass soon. Living on this edge is not too much fun.

There must have been about 15 people on the Ed Alexander obit committee. I think it turned out well. It should be available online Sunday (http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/statesman/ ) and in the Statesman. It is still a shock and will be a sadness for a long time.

A blog for Ed:
http://earthfamilyalpha.blogspot.com/2009/10/edward-fales-alexander.html

Plants and gardens help sooth those thoughts of loss.

Dog Show

I enjoyed watching the judging at the nationals this year. I felt it was the least political conformation judging I have seen to date.

While the judge, Walter J Sommerfelt, did not select some of the dogs I like ( I like dogs with more head than he was looking for), he was consistent in the type of dog he selected when he made his final cut for each class. I think he would not have selected the head type in our 2009 logo.

I liked that he selected fit dogs that were balanced, hard muscled, and moved well. The dog's bodies length were as 10 is to 9. Dogs with more body than leg ( I have two like that) were selected against.

I think it was a fluke that his top picks were red dogs. This year we seemed to have more quality reds than we had in years past.

I heard that one exhibitor told the judge he had rewarded the "wrong" type.

It was one man's opinion on one day given the dogs presented that day.

Rock and a Hard Place

I am supposed to go to MD Anderson Monday and Tuesday next week for scans, tests and consult with the Adult Sarcoma Dr. Benjamin. My next chemo is Thursday next week.

I took the Honda into my longtime mechanic Michael Yost to be sure it was ready for the highway.

Austin Chronicle:

Best Auto Service/Repair: Yost Automotive
http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Awards/BestOfAustin?Year=2009&BOACategory=Services&Poll=Readers
Michael Yost and his crew of all-model experts may have moved from their old digs by I-35, but when they moved, they took something important with them: the amazing trust they have built up with their devoted fans. Ask anyone: They do just what's needed – no more, no less – to keep your four-wheeled baby purring. 5415 N. Lamar, 374-9678

They replaced the radiator and changed the oil. Then I drove an hour to Belton, TX and parked the car for mos of 5 days there. On the trip home the transmission started slipping. Michael says it's all the miles we put on that transmission (210k miles) and it needs a rebuild of $2150 and main seal.

I can't afford this or a replacement car now :<>
Cars! What can you do? The Honda has been cheap transport for years and now it wants some TLC.

Life in Space

I've always wanted to experience weightlessness in space. I think I would like to live in the greenhouse module section. Hanging with the plants would be cool.

This afternoon I sat in the mist of my avocado tree, tomato plants, bromeliads, aloe vera, yellow bells and herbs while visiting with an old friend and watching high altocumulus and lower cumulus blowing across the sky.

Find out what it's like in outer space from Rusty Schweikart, Apollo 9 Lunar Module pilot and founder of the Association of Space Explorers. Stanford Professor Lynn Rothschild lectures on Life in Space, Life on Earth from the course Astrobiology and Space Exploration.

http://academicearth.org/lectures/life-in-space-life-on-earth

Monday

Last Monday at the National Specialty :

We entered ND (SilverDust IndigoImage HSAs) in Properties -Altered Class. This class is for show quality dogs/bitches that are sexually altered (spayed/neutered) and usually have not had a show career.

Although I am pretty awkward these days, I tried to show her how to stack and be comfortable with a judge handling her. She would have none of it. As I would lean towards her, she would flip on her back for silly tummy rubs.

Junior handler Brianna Thompkins gamely showed ND who behaved surprising well. As long as she could see "Mom." She was relaxed and standing. The other bitch flipped for tummy rubs. ND was rewarded with a blue ribbon. Her dog competition knew how to stack (I think he had a CH title already) so good behavior and looks awarded him the Best In Show Altered Class. Anyway the entries all go to the International Committee fund and good works. It was all fun.

ND liked the snacks but prefers to retire permanently from showing. She is waiting for me to be well enough to take her herding.

Her eyes were examined and found to be perfect and healthy. We have not done the DNA testing for progressive rentinal atrophy, but she is likely a pattern B ( one gene carrier so never affected by the condition) at age 9 years.

Rosie (CH Riverforth's Red River Rosie HDAs) got nothing in best eye although she has very evil dark eyes. Her BAER test proves she can hear although how she interprets is a special ACD bitch thing. She was sort of good as Dr Freeman inserted the needles in her skin to measure the nerves response to sounds, but the alligator clips were a problem.

Rosie's brother Bixby tried ( or should we say his owner Noel tried?) for that last Qualifying score in obedience needed to get a title. It was not to be. Apparently our strategy to get him to focus on staying with Noel during off leash heeling worked so well he did not want to stay when told. Oh well.

Dash's sister Texanna was there too. Its so great to get to see the fur kids. Both Bixby and Texanna have stayed with me during their adult years. Bixby earned his Pre Trial title on sheep and we went to several herding clinics. He earned a Junior Herding Dog title in AHBA, but the paper work for that title was never completed.

Bixby is a powerful dog. Before the first JHD run famed herding judge Dana MacKenzie noted that the up right breeds (like ACDs would not be expected to hold the sheep off the pen like the eye breeds (Border Collies). We were not expected to lie the dog down, rather leave them standing. Bixby has a powerful eye. For him, lying him down was the right move. Dana agreed when questioned by another entrant if I was correctly following instructions from the judge.

I had the advantage of knowing the course better than the other entrants, too. It allowed us to qualify despite some glaring training weaknesses. Some good dogs could have qualified if their handler had just walked the course.

Watching the herding Calcutta that evening intensified my desire to start back training the dogs on cattle. Nice steady pressure from the dog resulted in the best runs. Our Calcutta winner says he moved and worked the cattle at least 60% to his inexperienced dog's 40% of work. Those cattle moved equally well off people or dogs, the dog could do all the work.

Of course I am always smarter watching outside the corral than I am inside with my dog. Apparently remembering to breath, walk and not walk through or into obstacles takes all of my brain during the trial.

My dear friend Ed Alexander

I was just notified by email from Charlie Loving that my dear friend Ed Alexander has died.

"Ed Alexander was DOA at Methodist Hospital San Antonio. He reportedly hit his head diving into the Medina River at 1 AM. Bridgette was at hospital. Kids under care of the caver women on the Medina River. "

I have known and been friends with Ed since I was 18 years old. I thought his special luck in life would out live all of us.

In tears and shock, Peggy

Can't Help Over doing It

I am home now after doing too much at the National Specialty. My body told me to go home Wed. but the herding trials were Thursday and Friday.
I went to bed at 6pm Thursday and stay until 7am. It helped but my feet were swelling by afternoon.

I am glad I stayed. I learned a lot and reinforced some of my ideas watching other's success and failures.
If I trained and prepared the dog, then in a trial my job is to be the handler and not worry about the dog.
If I trust the dog and watch the stock, the dog works so much better.
I really have to figure out cattle.

I threw up Friday morning but recovered enough to have breakfast and watch herding until 1pm.

On the way home I stopped at my favorite bead shop - Brazos Collection in Salado. I managed to stay under $20 and took home some nice beads.

Mom, Charley and Delma were happy I was back. I made Charley a couple of "Dagwood Bumsted" sandwiches.

I threw up dinner, but this morning I feel good. I think I can recover this weekend.

I will post some stories from the Nationals Sunday.

Spirit Award

My Texas and Oklahoma cattle dog friends made me cry.

During the BBQ they made a presentation to me of kind of a spirit award for positive outlook and inspiration. They presented me a gift in honor of my previous participation in rescue, dog sports and mentoring others interested in Australian Cattle Dogs.

Then everyone stood and clapped. I was beyond words.

I have never received such an honor and that kind of attention from so many friends.

The gift is a wood carving portrait of my first AKC registered ACD, Cobber (Champion Silverhills N'Dust Cobalt PT). Cobber died last year. He is in our hearts forever. Charley is going to cry when he sees the carved portrait.

Cobber started us down the dog world road. I had never been to a dog show until Cobber was 6 months old shown for the first time. He loved to show and it was great socialization for a young dog. Then he hooked us on exploring the world of training and herding. He changed our lives forever.

I am overcome by the support of my friends. It lifts me and carries me through many hard patches.

I am really looking forward to herding in the next year and competing at the next nationals in California.

Driving

For the fifth time in the last year I drove.
I drove IH35 in a heavy rain shower with the pickup trucks, SUV's, sporty cars and semi's.
It was nerve wracking, but then it always is that way.
Fortunately it was Sunday afternoon when traffic is lightest.
My goal was to deliver myself to the Australian Cattle Dog National Specialty in Belton, TX, about an hour north of my home in Austin.
Everything went well. I packed clean underwear and my medicine. I forgot the snack food and cheese.

It great being here.


I have some stories, but right now I need a nap before the BBQ, equestrian demo and herding Calcutta.

Friends

Sat we drove out to the Llano River between the towns of Llano and Mason for Remembering Benny. Seeing his cabin without him helped to accept that he is really gone. The event was a life celebration, greeting longtime old friends and a party.
I especially enjoyed being outside and greeting friends not as patient, but celebrator.

The weather could not have been nicer. It was both sunny and cool. Quiet a change from recent heat waves.

We are all older and some are grandparents. The dogs sort of took the place that the "kid mob" used to at these events. Sort of the knee high level party in the party. Fortunately they were a good lot and well behaved.

I should mention that there were several children - just not the numbers of our younger days.

Roadside flowers included outstanding purple Texas gayfeather ( http://www.wildflower.org/gallery/result.php?id_image=23065 ) and Maximilian sunflowers (http://www.wildflower.org/plants/result.php?id_plant=hema2 )

I wish I could have camped out for the evening. A hearty crew had collected enough firewood to burn well into Sunday. It was a victory to be there and maneuvering around the uneven ground successfully. Next time I will be stable enough to visit the river front (requires climbing down a rocky slope).

My first visit there was Benny's house warming. It was warm, too. We took our folding chairs and sat in the river flow under the pecan trees. A Belted Kingfisher (http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Belted_Kingfisher/lifehistory ) was irritated that we were in his spot. We were just hoping the river flow was more water than upstream cattle pee.

Today I leave for the cattle dog national specialty! More old friends and good dogs for me.

So far

So far this treatment has not been so bad. Its the Tuesday after the Friday treatment. My stomach is still iffy and my energy down, but I am feeling well enough to think of things to do.

I am fixing shrimp for tonight's dinner.

I had to nap in the middle of shelling :> Well it's done now.



I am excited about seeing my cattle dog pals and all the dogs in Belton, Texas next week.

http://acdca2009.com/

I hope I have half the energy to do what I want to do.

I sure wish I were trialing on the cattle the way I had hoped too.



Hopefully next year in California I can do that after doing some local trials. There is so much to do and look forward to doing.



On a sadder note, we will be going to Benny Martin's memorial-life celebration this Sat.

Now I can't think of Benny living on the Llano. I have to think of how it was the life he choose. What a fortunate guy to realize at least part of his dream.



http://www.benoconnor.com/bennymartin/



It will be great to be with old friends, music and good food celebrating and remembering.



Take care of your dreams everyone and God bless you.

Blessings

I am still wandering in the woods with these cancers. I think I see a small clearing ahead.

My blessings include what my oncologist called a perfect CT scan. All my lymph nodes, lungs, organs and bones are normal.
My mammogram was normal.
My blood panel was normal.
My radiologist exam of my skin and treated tissue was normal.

I start my next chemo Friday Oct 2. That gives me time to recover and attend the Australian Cattle Dog National Specialty in Belton, TX. I am so excited about seeing the friends, the old dogs and the new pups.

I so wish I were competing in the herding trials. As it is, I wont have the stamina to help. I think the sheep and cattle will be great trial stock that will allow people to show their dog's talent and training.

It has been an intense 14 months. My doctors have observed that they were not confident we would be at this point a year ago. I feel like the star student. Apparently I have had what they call a complete response to treatment. I will always be checking and being scanned for new tumors. Cancer is with me.

I am truly blessed with love, family, friends, doctors, dogs and good luck.

In Nature

The week after Molly died, I felt so sad and angry. I had a week of tests and doctor appointments.

My daughter who lives in Maryland came for long weekend visit.

We had a good pressure free visit. It was the first time she had seen me walk. I ended up over doing it with a walk through Zilker gardens.

I love being outside. As we walked downhill to the Hartman Prehistoric garden in Zilker. (park photo right) http://www.zilkergarden.org/gardens/dino.html

http://www.zilkergarden.org/gardens/wildthings.html

http://www.utexas.edu/tmm/sponsored_sites/dino_pit/about.html

I challenged myself to name the native plants along the path. I did very well. I used to be paid to do that for environmental/habitat studies.

Visiting the gardens reminded me of how little I get outside.

I have a collection of potted plants around the door, my garden, that I like to sit with and visit. I was really excited to see bees the other afternoon.

Rage at Cancer

I got in touch with my rage at cancer for making cancer care the center of my life.
Just as I began to recover from my lastchemo my great dog Molly went into a health crisis.

I could not be with her. It felt like a promise broken.
Molly refused breakfast. By the time my husband Charley brought her to me she had collapsed, her tongue and gums were almost white. Clearly in shock, she was still licking my face and snuggling my neck.
Our vet, Dr Meyers, has seen her through good health, cancer, tooth infection and minor scraps. He found that Molly's heart was significantly and suddenly enlarged. Her recent blood panels and xrays had all been very normal. This was a sudden change.

They began giving her drugs to take pressure off the heart and try to restore normal flow. By evening it was clear that her heart was going to kill her and the questions was when (soon) and how ugly that would be. I was in constant contact with the vet's office every step of the way but so sad that I could not be with her.

At 10pm we made the decision to put her down with peace, grace and dignity. It breaks my heart and shocks me that she went so fast. When I visited with her Sunday she was active, looking good, wanting treats and not coughing or showing signs of fluid retention. I had planned to enter her in veterans at the nationals for a last celebration.

We never scored very high in obedience because her idea of heel position was formed in herding trials. However, she maintained that behind the heel position consistently both on and off leash. When she knew she was right, she just stuck with it. RIP sweet girl CH SilverDust Cherokee Rose CD, RN, HSAs, ROM (Sept 2, 1997-Sept 15, 2009)

Hot Sauce

It's been frustrating. I don't look forward to the next Cisplatin treatment but if I am going to go through this I should at least being getting the right treatment schedule.
At my last office visit with my Austin oncologist my xray results had not been forwarded to her. She decided that I should have a CT scan before the next treatment for monitoring purposes even though I am scheduled for xray, CT and PET scans at MD Anderson end of Oct. I waited and waited for the schedule. Nothing. Finally I called and complained to the nurse that I did not want to grow tumors waiting on approval of the CT scan before chemo is scheduled. I was pretty grumpy but nicely thanked her for dealing with it for me. I woke up at 4:00am this morning worried about it. This morning they called and said I was scheduled for chemo Friday ( 6 days late). I should be able to barely bounce back by the time my daughter is here to visit on the 18th.
If I am able to drink fluids and Ensure I should not crash as hard as I did last time.
The coordination between the doctors is less than it should be. I don't want to suffer because I am caught between egos.
An unfortunate side effect of this chemo is ringing in my ears and loss of upper range hearing :<

Youtube always cheers me up. I recently watched Red Green Show - the dog wash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwRNIJz8DmM and in honor of chemo Red's Hot Sauce
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hNxA8JBW8E

I Did Not Create Cancer

I want to share my heart with my friends. I tend to be a reserved person and tend not to broadcast my troubles. However, I have learned that when a friend of mine is engaged in a life and death struggle, I want to know.



As one friend observed knowing allows you to be your best self. She had an overly (IMHO) private friend who did not share the news of their illness with friends and shocked them by dying suddenly.



My aunt died of cancer. While walking to the church for her memorial service my uncle was proudly explaining that during her last months they had not let friends know how ill she way. He explained that they did not want to be pitied.


I was stunned. Reflecting on it I could see that it was a pattern in her life. She had refused to share other important troubles in her life. Some with good reason since they were socially difficult. It did not mean that her friends and community did not know generally about those troubles, just that it was a forbidden topic of conversation.

Hopefully we are moving to a point where no one should be ashamed of having cancer. Yes there are books claiming you can prevent cancer. However, it is not that simple. Some of us are genetically set up to have one or more types of cancer. We can try to live healthy, limit exposure to carcinogens, and try for the best health care possible. We can not control everything.



I was born and lived in both Chicago and the petrochemical gulf coast before the Clean Air Act and Clean Water Act helped reduce carcinogens in our air and water. I have lived as healthy a life as I could while still driving cars, gassing them up, eating in restaurants with friends, living and working in building with modern carpets and plastics. I have even had a few friends who smoked.


I did not do anything wrong.


I did not create cancer in my life.


I am not ashamed that cancer has taken the center stage of my life.



Perhaps aggressively applying for a spot in tamoxifen studies would have helped? I don't know. I know that I can not time travel to change my family tree. There are lots of relatives in both of my parents families that died of cancer. Both grandfathers did. My father's father died of stomach cancer in about 1928. My maternal grandfather died of bone cancer when he was 62 in 1939. And that's just two of the relatives that died of cancer.



Knowing the type of environmental exposure I have had, its likely a miracle that I did not have some kind of cancer earlier.

Lucky Me

This morning I found myself in the waiting room of the radiation treatment center exchanging comments with a new friend about how lucky we were. Now this new friend has brain tumors that have reoccurred after 5 years of being cancer free and I am in chemo for a rare cancer and radiation for another. Just how lucky could we be?
We shared how we both had been healthy for most of our lives. She had not had cancer until after retiring from teaching. Although we may not benefit from the nanotechnology and gene manipulation of the future (perhaps shutting off the cancer genes) we had waited until a time when many survive cancers. Our husbands were both rolling their eyes like we were nuts, but at that moment in time we both were aglow with optimism.

This evening I had dinner with friends. I was a little sorry for myself while I told them the chemo was hard. I felt the one drug I am on was as hard as the previous four. Both friends had participated in research that made my current treatment possible. (To protect privacy, I don't want to use friend's names in my blog.) Their dogs were diagnosed with osteosarcoma and participated in treatment research of chemotherapy treatments. Like most canines the osteosarcoma was not diagnosed until it was advanced.

Osteosarcoma is the most common bone tumor in dogs. It typically afflicts middle-age large and giant breed dogs such as Irish Wolfhounds, Greyhounds, German Shepherds, Rottweilers, and Great Danes. Interestingly spayed/neutered dogs have twice the risk of intact ones to develop osteosarcoma.

I owe a debt of gratitude to those caring people and their brave dogs that participated in osteosarcoma research and made me the lucky person I am today.

Birthday Lift

Sunday was my 62nd Birthday and one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer.

Three good friends provided space and tres leches cake, ice cream, fruit salad, ice tea and munchies. It was pulled together quickly. I was sick during the time I should have been notifying friends, so everyone got short notice. Still lots of folks were able to come and I had a wonderful time.


When this journey started I had assumed that I would have 6 months of chemo and then rehab back into my real life. A year later I am still running towards the light.


While looking at the plans for the RA Bloch Cancer Survivor Plaza last May it began to occur to me that http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/05/28/0528plaza.html

http://austinparks.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/ra/



I may not just travel in a straight line from diagnosis to treatment to cure and survivorship.

I hope they do build the plaza.

Survivor

I am starting to feel that besides being a patient that I am a survivor.

The afternoon of August 21,2008 I asked Charley to take me to the emergency room. That is when I learned that a CT scan showed a fracture through "abnormal" bone tissue that appeared to be cancer.

This Sunday is my 62nd birthday. Good and dear friends are hostessing a part for me celebrating my birthday and first year as a survivor.

The fight is still on but so much better now.

Good check up

Last week was hard. My portacath surgery was delayed by 5 hours of hunger, thirst and boredom while my surgeon dealt with a case before mine that apparently was more complex than expected. The next morning I had chemo using the new unhealed port. The chemo drug Cisplatin made me feel very sick and weak. I was on nausea meds that helped but I had no appetite and was weak.
I kept up with radiation treatments and lay in bed the rest of the time.
I lost 7 lbs lying on my back in one week.
Thankfully my appetite is back and energy is returning.

Today I returned from a check up at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. My sarcoma doctor, Robert Benjamin, and staff were pleased by how well I was. Dr Benjamin thinks the spots on my lungs we have been following are old and not a cancer spread.
I go back end of October for a PET, recheck with my orthopedic oncologist, Patrick Linn, and see Dr Benjamin again.

Practical Spirits

I have a favorite cheer leader at the Shivers Clinic. She is one of the Seton chaplains and a real pleasure to be around. She also helped me a lot when my mother was driving me crazy. She brought a nurse practitioner to a meeting with my mother. They explained the clinic, the support services and programs available to me. Although I will be 62 this month, the meeting made my mother feel as though she had conference with the adults. There are reason that I lived across the county from my mother for 30 years. Yes, I love her and she loves me.



My life as I lived it was really blown apart by these cancers. I live in my mother's apartment, my laundry, dishes and some food is prepared by her maid. A couple of times I was too weak to bath and her aid helped me.



It would be too much to have Charley running a household that an immune system compromised person like me could live in and expect him to drive me to doctor appointments, refill prescriptions, visit me at the hospital each day and care for himself and the dogs.

Many of the chaplins are great at facilitating communication between health staff, patients and families both in a earth bound practical way and spiritual way.

Today my favorite chaplin was helping the oncology nurses by calling patients ( including me) from the waiting area to the infusion center. She asked each of us how she could make us comfortable (pillows, blankets, juice... ). It was a graceful start to a long treatment day.

Busy

Monday morning I am having day surgery to install a new portacath on the right side and take out the old one. I guess that is a one year anniversary celebration of a kind.


Then, hopefully, I will be able to get radiation treatment in the afternoon. The radiation techs thought I might be too whipped to make it, but its important to get every treatment.


Tuesday morning I get radiation at 8am and then rush to the clinic for blood tests and infusion - until about 5pm. I'll get to use my new portacath right away.


Thursday, after radiation, I'll go to the breast clinic and get a bone density scan.


This fighting cancer thing is like a job.

I am currently reading the Atlantic magazine. I enjoyed a little poem called Heaven by William Hayden http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200907/poem-heaven and Jamais Cascio's article that we survive as a people by getting smarter http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200907/intelligence . Sort of echos back to Stephen Hawkins We are more than just our genes

Barb helped me finish two beaded necklaces I was working on Friday evening. I am happy with them both from an aesthetic point of view and construction.

The new chemo does not affect my eyesight like the old cocktail of chemo did (light flashes and blurry vision). I am taking a simple knitting project with me to work on during Tuesday's session. Janie started me on this project many months ago. Perhaps now that I am off morphine I can make more progress.

Tuff Enough?

Tuesday night I noticed that my throat was sore. The allergy forecast says mold has been high for weeks. I really don't want to have an infection going on while I am getting chemo or radiation.

This morning I realized that my throat was sore on my right side only. I mentioned it to the techs while getting ready for radiation. They said -oh yes and it feels like a lump? Yes. It is the radiation. I have a compound that includes Lidocaine to swish
three times a day and before bed. I am going to discuss this with the radiologist when I see them next. My doctor, Kristen Warhoe is on vacation this week. I will see one of her associates. I wonder what it is going to be like in 5 weeks?

I see my oncologists tomorrow after radiation and then the surgeon about the portacath. A busy day with doctors for us. I am blessed that Charley will be with me as a second set of ears and a better memory.

Next Tuesday ( every 21 days) I have the next chemo treatment. So far the side effects have not been that bad compared to the four days of 24 hr chemo I first received. Although I am not looking forward to it, I wonder if its effective since its not as hard on me - well, not yet.

When I was first diagnosed the pathologist diagnosed Osteosarcoma. Since it is so incredibly rare to have two separate primary cancers at the same time, my oncologist sent the sarcoma biopsy slides to the Mayo Clinic for a second option. They thought I had Leiomyosarcoma.

"Leiomyosarcoma is an aggressive soft tissue sarcoma derived from smooth muscle cells typically of uterine, gastrointestinal or soft tissue origin. Primary leiomyosarcoma of bone is a distinct entity which is quite rare..... "
(http://sarcomahelp.org/learning_center/leiomyosarcoma.html )

I underwent ultrasound scans looking for cancer in the soft tissue of my abdomen. None was found.

"Many cases that are thought to represent primary disease of bone, after further investigation, actually represent metastatic disease from another site or bony invasion from a neighboring soft tissue lesion. Most cases of leiomyosarcoma of bone reported so far have been in the metaphysis of long bones. Primary leiomyosarcoma of bone is extremely rare. There have been approximately 90 cases reported since initially described in 1965"( http://sarcomahelp.org/learning_center/leiomyosarcoma.html )

So my oncologist said that she was going to "hit me hard" with chemo for leiomyosarcoma. I was all for that. I had some suspicious pulmonary nodules. One on my left lung and one on the right. The one on the right looked more like an old infection that had left a bit of calcium behind. However, when sarcoma spreads, it tends to go to the lungs.

After 3 treatments my sarcoma tumor was much reduced and confined (except for where the splitting head of the femur let material contaminate my gluts). That allowed MD Anderson (Patrick Linn) to replace my femur and knee. The Sarcoma Center there diagnosed the tumor as Osteosarcoma - not leiomysarcoma. They hit me hard for 6 treatments total and then I crashed hard.

Following the Sarcoma doctor's (Robert Benjamin) recommendation, I am now getting Cisplatin instead of the 4 other chemo drugs. I go back to the Sarcoma doctor on the 18th. I will have a contract CT to monitor the nodules. Hopefully the Cisplatin will have kept everything shrinking.

Until then I will wonder if its tough enough.

A Few Stray Thoughts On Sunday

I did not know about the Wayback Machine until today. Am I the last to know?

http://www.archive.org/iathreads/post-view.php?id=243665

http://www.archive.org/index.php

I found this Q and A in an article about cancer treatment. I laughed and laughed at the understatement
"So, now the second question, "Why does the word chemotherapy almost always evoke a negative response?" Part of the answer is easy. Most of the cytotoxic chemotherapies are associated with (ob) noxious side effects: profound nausea and vomiting; loss of hair; significant weakness; marked increase in susceptibility to infection, etc. "

I think it is at least as funny as the ancient chicken joke "why does the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side."

And that why I am having chemo and radiation, too.

Next week I look forward to radiation every week day, a blood panel and meeting with the oncologist and surgeon.

Friday Nite

Going to dinner with the girls tonight and then on to beading. I am feeling much better this Friday. It could be the fresh peach slices and blueberries I ate today.

While receiving radiation treatment today I wondered if I should be using some kind of positive imagery of radiation doing its job. I kind of drew a blank on what that image would be. I have been told that the radiation treats areas that have less blood flow and are therefore less susceptible to chemo drugs. I have been clearing my mind and breathing to aid holding "the position" for treatment. My poor arthritic neck and shoulders don't like it at all. I have to hold it for about 18 minutes while the various treatments are applied and the techs use sharpies to draw dotted lines on my skin.

I guess I will talk to the techs and see if they have any visual images that represent the radiation.

Its still me in here

This past weekend I went to birthday party for an old friend. We first met as newly weds and impending new mothers. Our husbands had been friends and we enjoyed each others company, too. Now, years later, our daughters are life long friends, too. Many of people at the afternoon party were neighbors and work associates that I did not know. My sparkle factor was not great due to recent chemo and radiation. I felt the situation demanded that I extend myself more since few knew me pre-cancer. My friend and her daughter did a lot to introduce me as a very active friend of longstanding to the other guests.
So here I am with my little embroidered denim cap, TED hose and walker trying to be me. You know me - sexy, healthy, graceful, fun.

Reading local humor columist John Kelso helped me focus on how I feel
"No telling how long the recuperation will last. But I think I'm going to make it. So, stop looking at me like I'm dead. It's still me in here, even though I sound a little funny. " http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/2009/07/28/0728kelso.html
That message is one for me - its still me so be my best self.

Glad that day is over

I had a bit of a disappointment Friday. My portacath (the box under my skin that connects the chemo to a vein) is not working right. A dye study confirmed that the vein has scarring that limits circulation. They can no longer draw blood samples through the portacath. I will have to discuss this with my oncologist.



Friday was a very long day for me. I slept through my chance to go to bead and bitch and visit with artists in residence cattle dogs ND and Rosie.

I also missed Texas Music Matters feature of Powell St. John's new CD at noon on KUT.



Since I am going for radiation treatment each week day morning I only get to see my dogs on the weekend. Molly always needs reassurance. Second banana, Molly, worries she is not getting her share of attention. Charley is going to work in some evening play dates for me. I need my dog therapy, too.

The New Schedule

I started the new chemo drug Cisplatin on Tuesday. After a blood panel to be sure I was healthy enough, they gave a lot of fluids to protect my kidneys, then the Cisplatin. I felt as though I were on fire. No vomiting but I get what feels like a hot flash, then sweats and then I am cold. I am fatigued, too.

Wed I started radiation for the breast. I had to lie still for about an hour and half while the team marked me up for directed radiation. It was hard. Partly because I was a body section piece of meat and partly because it was cold and uncomfortable. I used the art of Zen for cleansing breaths and dreams.

Thursday everything was set up for me and the procedure went fast.

Friday I go from radiation back to the Shiver's Center and on to Xray for a dye study to find out why my portacath is not giving blood return.

With the new radiation schedule (every weekday morning at 9:30 am) I only get to see my fur kid dogs on the weekend.

I am really tired and going back to sleep now.

Hug your dearest ones, Peggy

Self Pity Stopped

Saturday morning I was reading a post from someone venting about how they were stuck at home (http://abc-survivors.net/connect/ ) . Their artificial lower leg was too long and they were going to have to wait a week for the error to be fixed. I know its good to vent but I started feeling sorry for myself, too. I am not driving, yet, and depend on Charley and others for rides.

Then friends arrived with a favorite mystery writer books and a high quality photo book about crop circles. Whether you believe they are messages from aliens or human stunts, the photos are beautiful and the designs are elegant in this book by Steve and Karen Alexander.
In the afternoon friends called with plans to eat out (http://triumphcafe.com/ ), hear live music and see a DVD movie (Australia - Hugh Jackman with his shirt off http://dev.australiamovie.com/ ). We had Vietnamese food, listen to Klezmer music. The whole band and belly dancer were there. Most of the band looks like my age or older. The singer is a young woman in her early 20's with a wonderful voice.
The British Shorthorn cattle (wikipedia has them) featured in the movie were one of the breeds of cattle I have experience driving with an ACD (http://ACDCA.org and (http://blueheeler.com/RiverForth/River_Forth_1.htm look down to the second photo). I was kind of disappointed they did not have an ACD to help them. I am still a big Baz Luhrmann fan. Strickly Ballroom and Romeo & Juliet are favorites of mine.
For All Mankind is showing at the LBJ Library. Maybe I will feel well enough to see it this week.
I am worried that I will be ill from the Cisplatin Chemo on Tuesday and vomit on the radiologist's equipment Wed. I have done it before during an earlier chemo period so its not totally paranoid of me.
Well back to positive thoughts of feeling well.

Chemo Brain

I start the new chemo next Tuesday and radiation treatments the following Wed. Next week is going to be big.

Its frustrating and worrisome. Names and words I normally could recall have to be researched. Its like Swiss cheese. There are odd holes in my memory.

I used to be able to recall native and common landscape plants easily. Many I still can recall but plant names I really should recall, I can't. I can recall their ecology and my experience with them, but not their name. What do you call the little white bugs that attacked my hibiscus? I know that spraying diluted soap or detergent on the plant gets rid of them.

Writing this blog I can either find another word or phrase or google to find the word I want. I have been told that around 6 months after chemo stops, the chemo fog should lift. However, difficulty multi-tasking, organizing and concentrating started before chemo. It could be an effect of the cancer and now combined with chemo. Word loss became significant after chemo started.

Now I write everything down. When I first left the hospital with my handful of pills my bedside journal recorded dates and times I took each medication. It really helps to have Charley with me on doctor visits. He remembers.

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MBC/content/MBC_2_3x_Chemobrain.asp

I wish I knew how long these cancers were developing. I new understand that sarcoma is often mistaken for a sports injury. I spent a lot of time in confusion and pain thinking it was my arthritic knee. Then I read the stories of Adult Bone Cancer Survivors. Some people had back pain or other pains for years before discovering the cancer! Often their cancers were not high value (aggressive) like mine. I would have been dead if I had waited much longer. I am sure of that.

http://www.abc-survivors.net/

Limbo

I feel as though I am in limbo. I am waiting for my oncologist to make arrangements for the new regime.

Meanwhile I have been rocked by unexpected deaths (see Bittersweet). Then on Monday evening I saw a brief note that gifted dog trainer and herding clinician Bob Vest had died.
http://russellfh.com/obituary.aspx?MemberId=60765&MName=Robert%20Eugene%20

Bob was magic. I was one of his many ( hundreds or thousands) of students. I was fortunate to attend several clinics held by Bob and participate in an American Herding Breed Association trial he judged. I learned about myself and received encouragement to keep on working from Bob. Like the best teachers, he put me into situations that exposed my weakness and help me figure out how to overcome them. This city girl had a long way to go and still does. I feel that if I had known more, I could have learned more from Bob.

OOPS New Plan

The sarcoma specialist notes have just been sent to my local oncologist. Apparently he does not want me to have methotrexate until I have less (how much less?) edema in my leg.
At 4pm I got a call from my local oncologist that I could have the Cisplatin as an out patient at the infusion center.
I would spend most of the day at the infusion center and go home at night.

They would administer it once every three weeks. I would go back to MD Anderson for evaluation after two treatments.
Cisplatin does depress white blood cells and has other side effects.

Bittersweet

I spent Sunday with old friends. Many had not seen me since I started chemotherapy. I currently have eyebrows and eyelashes and wore a hat with a brim since it is sunny Texas.
The occasion for meeting was a celebration of life and memorial to an old friend who died from an accidental fall last Monday. I don't know much about his death except that it took all of us by surprise.
Although it is a big effort for me to get out, walk around and socialize, it is good for me to do that when my immune system is working. I think the pain medication makes me a little dull, it was great to see and talk with old friends.
We are all hitting the health challenged phase of life. Most of us were very physically active with sports, white water caneoing, climbing, exploring caves and driving long distances on the edge of consciousness in our youth. Now cycling, hunting, walking and, for me, dog sports (agility, conformation, herding and driving across the state and country) replace those activities as we glide to senior status. Still a bunch of interesting active risk takers.
Tomorrow I am scheduled to begin Cisplatin and a high-dose Methotrexate while in Brackenridge Hospital. Both are sarcoma drugs but methotrexate is also used against breast cancer. Since I have both, both need to be addressed. Its tricky. I also need to start radiation for breast cancer pretty soon. That would be 5 days a week for 6 weeks. I am not sure how we will juggle rechecks at MD Anderson with that schedule, but I am sure we will figure it out.
Since my white cells will be depressed after the chemo, I need to limit my social contacts to health adults especially until my white cells rebound.

International Sarcoma Awareness Week: July 18-26, 2009.

After my donation to the Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative I received my Sarcoma awareness bracelet in the mail today.

You can donate at http://www.team-sarcoma.net/team-sarcoma-bracelets

I will restart chemo treatments next week. I have nausea and mouth sores to look forward to. It was nice to spend time this weekend with friends at Bead n Bitch and just hanging out. I have a beautiful new necklace, too.

My CT scans don't show anything new. The chemo is to prevent any cancers too small to detect from growing. I may start radiation later this month. I just don't know yet.

Since I feel pretty healthy right now, I feel as though I am standing on a precipice looking down at a hazy valley that is about 6 months long.

Sunday I will be going to the 1st Memorial for a friend who died unexpectedly last Monday. It was an accident. Old friends from our younger days plan to meet and reminisce with his adult daughter. He was living in a cabin on acreage along the banks of the Llano River. I fondly remember my last visit there. It was another hot summer. We put our folding chairs in the river under the shade of several large pecans. I wish I had seen him more recently. I hope he knew that he had many friends who will remember him and miss him.

Gratitude

Gratitude is what is on my mind.

When I was first diagnosed with the cancers friends poured into my hospital room and held a 61st birthday party for me. All I really recall are lots of flowers and faces. I was on some pretty heavy pain meds.

Today outside my door I have a beautiful hibiscus that has bloomed most of the past year. It arrived for my birthday while I was in hospital. I wish I knew who gave it to me.

I received many cards and letters of best wishes from friends. Many friends were folks who share my passion for Australian
Cattle Dogs and believe in the special healing power of these wonderful dogs we share out lives with.

In Texas and Austin friends dropped by with food and sent coupons for meals. It was an amazing help during our transition from normal to the new post cancer normal.

I don't have the vocabulary to adequately describe how life affirming and uplifting all the support, prayers and good wishes have been and still are today. I keep going to words like "really" and "very."

Although I have often been ill and fatigued, I still have friends who invite me over and over and include me in social activities.

I am currently typing this blog on a laptop given to me by a friend with lots of insight into cancer and chemo.

Because I have this laptop and a wireless network she and my brother set up, I have been able to keep up with friends through the Internet. Sometimes I have only been able to lie in bed balancing the laptop on my stomach.

It has been a key way of feeling connected while I am mostly staying home or in hospital.

I have a lot of gratitude for the friends that share on the Internet, through phone calls and visits.

I am truly blessed with good fortune. This post does not cover all the kindness and generosity shown me by family and friends. More about that later.

I am lucky to find that there are so many good people that wish me well.

Melting Watch Day

Today it was 104 degrees.

It was a melting watch day, Salvidor Dali-ish. I worked on getting ready to add photos to this blog. Maybe I will have it together by the weekend?

Dash and Molly came over with Charley this morning. Charley said he was thrilled to see young women giving him big toothy smiles as he drove. He doesn't usually get that kind of attention since becoming a senior citizen. Then he realized that Dash was sitting up in the seat behind him with his big toothy and tongue grin. He is such a handsome and happy boy. See, you have to have a photo of Dash's smile.

Molly, ever the lady, was curled on the seat with her chin on the armrest. Her ear is much better. She is a trim and fit 12 year old. She didn't want to leave me to get her collar and leash on for the trip home.

This Friday I see my local oncologist. She should have the results of my blood tests taken Monday. The tests are general blood panel to see if I am ready for chemo again and a tumor marker test. She may have results back from the Mayo Clinic for a DNA test to see if I have a mutation of p53 which would give me an increased risk of sarcoma, breast, leukemia and central nervous system cancers. It could explain my having two primary cancers at the same time.

The oncology interns who took my cancer pedigree were horrified by the number of cancers. Both grandfathers died of cancer. One was a radiologist (osteosarcoma) in the 1920's and 1930's and the other an industrial engineer (don't know which cancer). I had always thought the cancers were byproducts of the times and their professions. My paternal grandmother had colon cancer in her 80's. One of her daughters had colon cancer in her late 70's. My mother's sister died of the same disease when she was in her 60's. One cousin on my father's side died of ovarian cancer a few years ago. She was less than a year older than I. One cousin's daughter had childhood leukemia or lymphoma. She survived and thrives today.

I just thought old ladies died of colon cancer after a lifetime of black tea and cake.

I guess spending a lot of my growing up years on the Texas petrochemical coast, I assumed I would get cancer. I am surprised it was not earlier. I remember reading about Los Angles smog in My Weekly Reader. We were amazed that they had so many cars. EPA's number one site on the first Superfund National Priority List ( on the first list) was located within a mile of my house. The old tin smelter in Texas City had a freshwater borrow pit that kids used to swim in - over the dumped barrels of waste. ( Was largest tin smelter in the world during WWII. The 140 acre closed facility had acid pools, waste water pools, process waste piles, dilapidated buildings and no security). When I lived there it wasn't operating. I don't think it was "cleaned-up" until the 1990's. I didn't swim there. I did end up in a borrow pit next to Amoco when I wrecked my Mom's new red VW. I was covered in crude oil and who knows what else? Later, 1967, when I lived in Chicago the smoke stacks of steel mills in Gary Indiana filled the horizon with pink and yellowish plumes. In the mornings I had to wash the black soot from my nose.

I think it turns out that having a grandfather with sarcoma was more risky for me.

Molly's Ear

Before my life was interrupted I was very involved in dog sports like herding, agility, showing and obedience.
My husband has been our three dog's caretaker and pal.
[Background note: Since my immune system crashes with chemo and I have been too weak to run a household I am living with my 90 year old mother. She has maids and aids who clean everything. ]
I get to see the dogs a couple of hours each week when my husband drives them across town to visit. Its great to see them.
Today Molly went to the vet. He treated her for a yeast infection in her ear. As usual, my husband dropped her off and picked her up. Thank goodness we have a really good vet.
I miss goofing around with them and team activities with them.
I miss taking care of them.
I miss normal me.

I found Team Sarcoma today. Events will be taking place in Waco, Cedar Park and San Antonio. I will probably be in chemo therapy during this time but perhaps next year I can participate.

International Sarcoma Awareness Week will take place from July 18-26, 2009.

2009 Team Sarcoma / Texas - Houston
“Saddle Up for Sarcoma Awareness”Saturday, July 18, 2009Spring, Texas
The Sarcoma Research Center at M. D. Anderson, along with the Amschwand Sarcoma Cancer Foundation will host their 3rd Annual Team Sarcoma Initiative on July 18, 2009.
The event will be held in Pundt Park on 4129 Spring Creek Drive in Spring, Texas. The park features walking trails, horse trails, birds, two lakes, and beautiful white sand beaches on the creek. If you are a rider, bring your horse!! Otherwise come and walk the beautiful trails with us. There will also be a miniature horse cart for the children to enjoy. The event will include a barbecue lunch at the park. There is ample parking for cars and horse trailers.
We would be delighted and grateful if you could join us in bringing worldwide awareness to this orphan disease. For more information, contact Team Sarcoma coordinator Sonia Hennessy at 713-563-7669.
Article taken from The Team Sarcoma Initiative - http://www.team-sarcoma.netURL to article: http://www.team-sarcoma.net/2009-events/2576

We are more than just our genes

Stephen Hawkins:
In the last ten thousand years the human species has been in what Hawking calls, "an external transmission phase," where the internal record of information, handed down to succeeding generations in DNA, has not changed significantly. "But the external record, in books, and other long lasting forms of storage," Hawking says, "has grown enormously. Some people would use the term, evolution, only for the internally transmitted genetic material, and would object to it being applied to information handed down externally. But I think that is too narrow a view. We are more than just our genes."
<http://www.dailygalaxy.com/my_weblog/2009/07/stephen-hawking-the-planet-has-entered-a-new-phase-of-evolution.html>

I hope so, too, Stephen. <- I said that.

Happiness in a Storm

A door closes and a window opens:

Recurring cancer and the extensive treatment it required forced Dr. Wendy Schlessel Harpham of Dallas to give up her beloved medical practice. So she turned her sights to writing, producing book after book that can help people with cancer achieve the best that medicine and life can offer them.Dr. Harpham is a 16-year survivor of recurrent chronic lymphoma.

In her latest book, “Happiness in a Storm: Facing Illness and Embracing Life as a Healthy Survivor,” she states: “Without a doubt, illness is bad, yet survivorship — from the time of diagnosis and for the balance of life — can include times of great joy among the hardships. You can find happiness. Chances are the opportunities for happiness are right in front of you.”She suggests creating a “personal happiness list” to help you remember favorite pastimes and reintroduce former delights into your life. Or perhaps you might want to explore activities that in your precancer life, you thought you had no time for, like studying a foreign language, traveling for pleasure or spending more time with friends.“You might need to explore different ways of seeing yourself and the world around you,” Dr. Harpham writes. “In doing so, you discover new types of happiness waiting to be tapped, such as the happiness of sharing invigorating ideas and nascent hopes with new friends, or the happiness of knowing love in a whole new way.

I am not as talented as she. I am reading a lot of popular fiction. It is something I have never done before unless assigned by a teacher. (I don't count Shakespear plays as fiction)

Bead and Bitch

Today my friend is picking me up to go buy some beads. We are working on beading projects with friends this evening.
We call it Bead N' Bitch.
That's right. You can't be positive all the time.

Next week I get lab tests and plan out the next chemotherapy and radiation with my oncologist.

More Metal

After tests it was clear that the chemo had reduced and confined my bone cancer. It was also clear that my femur was coming apart. The surgery team agreed to replace my femur with a metal "bone." During the 10-hr surgery they replaced the femur, my aging knee and made my hip socket metal friendly.

I had to learn to walk, dress and bath again. Fortunately using a walker after the first surgery made my upper body and arms strong although lacking stamina.

My husband stayed with me at the hospital almost the whole time and a few friends were able to visit :>

I was in for a month.