Spring

I must be healed from the mastectomy. Dash, all 70 lbs of him, jumped into my lap three times this morning. What a sweetheart!

Quaking

With 10 people killed and intense damage in Yazoo City area of Mississippi, it was unfortunate timing to claim my interest in tornadoes.

I have watched tornadoes and water spouts (from a boat) for years. Living in coastal and central Texas, you do meet up with them.

As I write this blog there is a tracker who is live streaming video north of Austin (my home) looking at the edge of general thunder storms.

I don't take the tornadoes lightly, just quake in the face of the power of nature.

Yazoo City, gateway to the delta, is where I first saw loess bluffs and acres of kudzu. I am sorry for their loss of life and damages. I hope that storm science and building standards will protect more people from these types of losses.

Real Time

I have come to it late, but I am a fan of storm trackers. Specifically, since it was suggested to me by a friend in Kansas, I have been watching live videos from storm chasers on http://www.tornadovideos.net/live

It's like a guilty pleasure. When the storms break out in tornado alley, I can check in to see who is broadcasting.

I haven't seen a tornado yet. Mostly just miles of clouds, rain drops and highway. It is just about as interesting as actually driving through Kansas.

I just like the idea somehow.

Young Lives

Today I heard about Alicia Parlette's death.
Five years ago at age 23 she learned she had a rare type of sarcoma. That was 2005. She kept a blog of her experiences for about 2 years. She was a writer and was employed by the San Francisco Chronicle as a copy editor when she was diagnosed. Her blog is at http://www.sfgate.com/alicia.

She had a deadly and very rare type of sarcoma, however,like most sarcoma patients she was young. Looking through her blog and the photos taken by the professional photographer assigned to her, you see her acting like a young single woman at the beginning of life. I also saw her with many of the machines I know well, in examination rooms, with concerned family and at a second opinion visit to MD Anderson.

At her age I was a young mother, Sanford graduate student's wife and struggling into adulthood.

I did not have to learn the lessons serious illness taught her until I had entered the sunset period of my life. Hopefully as extended a sunset as modern life expectancy promises. Anyway, I am not starting a new career or raising kids.

I hope we can find cures for sarcomas and save hopeful and promising lives like Alicia's.

I Hit The Wall

In May I have an appointment with my orthopedic oncologist at MD Anderson. The xrays of my leg showed a loose screw out of place. I am not sure where it is and I don't feel anything rattling around in my leg. Hopefully I wont have to have a procedure because I am tired of them.
I have a blood panel, xrays & CT scan and see my sarcoma doctor, Dr. Benjamin.

I have gone out once this week. Today I went to the grocery store to purchase stuff for mom and some food. It took about 40 minutes. Mom's aide helped me carry things inside and put away Mom's supplies. I put a few things in the frig and then I felt as though I had hit the wall. You know the wall that runners hit when their body says there is no more free energy.

Somewhat in a sweat and feeling edgy, I grabbed a cold water bottle and lay down. I fell asleep for over an hour.

I have been wondering if my lack of energy was in my head or physical.

Not knowing if and how I will restart chemo makes imagining the future hard and now this leg thing.

Oh well, I will try to get out again and see how that goes.

Back In It

The humorist/social commentator in the local newspaper ran a column today about being cancer free and feeling his energy return.
A number of the cancer blogs I follow have grappled with the problem of life after cancer.
The battle against cancer is so intense and consuming that it tends to push other interests to the sidelines. A lot of life after cancer is refocusing your life.

Well the new cancer has saved me from that struggle. Of course I still need to strengthen myself and seek to increase the boundaries of my universe. To be as good a friend as the friendship I receive. To try to organize my thoughts and memories so disrupted by cancer and the intensive chemo I received.

The National Cancer Institute has a booklet on this:

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/life-after-treatment

Another issue is that I used to be more physically active and fit. Now I walk with a noticeable limp because my left leg muscles are not strong enough to support a normal gait. I bob and wave a bit when I walk. From my perspective " I get to walk" from the outside, I appear handicapped.

Hope Over Aguirre

I like to read Roger Ebert's blog at the Chicago Sun Times http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/

This week he writes about a film lover's dream, getting to discuss frame by frame the making of the 1977 film "Aguirre The Wrath of God" with writer director Werner Herzog.

If you have not seen it, you should. If you are depressed, be sure you are on your meds before seeing it.

Back in 1977 my husband Charley and I took off early from work to see this film. It was incredibly beautiful, historically accurate and overwhelming.

Klaus Kinski's character's violence, greed and madness creates a bleak hell on earth in the middle of the lush jungle and delicate Peruvian flute music.

It drained life and hope from us. We went home and stared at the floor.

I have not felt that depressed or devoid of hope at anytime during my cancer illness.

Loneliness and fatigue have been difficult. The support of friends and family have lifted me during those times when I have felt a lone. While lying still in an MRI machine, I can recall emails, cards and hugs. My spirits are lifted. Usually Charley is waiting to help me. He has been with me every step of the way.

I guess I am brave, but there seems to be no choice but to go forward and face whatever is next. There is a promise of good health and freedom. Or, this may be as good as it gets. I would love to have more energy. For now I will make the best of it.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple

It seems irritatingly careless of me to stop my recovery arc by getting cancer again.

It's kind of like getting the "Go to Jail" card in monopoly. You are out of it and fall off the track.

As Lady Bracknell said in the Oscar Wilde's play to Jack Worthing:

"To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."

I feel as though I should apologize for carelessly getting breast cancer again and having to loose another breast.

Logically I know that each breast has it's own chance of cancer, this is early and I have nothing to apologize for and still I feel this way.

So I will wag my finger at myself and declare:

"Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life."

The Importance of Being Earnest, Lady Bracknell, Act 1.

Another One

The bad news is the good news.
I had a couple of needle biopsies done on my left breast. One showed carcinoma. There is no tumor just calsifications that typically form after fibrocystic changes ( which I have had since I was 15) and sometimes cancer cell changes. So it is very early.
They recommended a mastectomy partly due to my history, my DNA profile, current good health and uncertain future. They hate doing major surgery when you are in the middle of chemo or radiation.
I am tentatively scheduled for the 12th at UTMB Brackenridge.

They expect to follow up the surgery with chemo. It will be outpatient and for 4-5 hours - at a time.
That's all I know.
Enjoy your Easter!