Blessings

I am still wandering in the woods with these cancers. I think I see a small clearing ahead.

My blessings include what my oncologist called a perfect CT scan. All my lymph nodes, lungs, organs and bones are normal.
My mammogram was normal.
My blood panel was normal.
My radiologist exam of my skin and treated tissue was normal.

I start my next chemo Friday Oct 2. That gives me time to recover and attend the Australian Cattle Dog National Specialty in Belton, TX. I am so excited about seeing the friends, the old dogs and the new pups.

I so wish I were competing in the herding trials. As it is, I wont have the stamina to help. I think the sheep and cattle will be great trial stock that will allow people to show their dog's talent and training.

It has been an intense 14 months. My doctors have observed that they were not confident we would be at this point a year ago. I feel like the star student. Apparently I have had what they call a complete response to treatment. I will always be checking and being scanned for new tumors. Cancer is with me.

I am truly blessed with love, family, friends, doctors, dogs and good luck.

In Nature

The week after Molly died, I felt so sad and angry. I had a week of tests and doctor appointments.

My daughter who lives in Maryland came for long weekend visit.

We had a good pressure free visit. It was the first time she had seen me walk. I ended up over doing it with a walk through Zilker gardens.

I love being outside. As we walked downhill to the Hartman Prehistoric garden in Zilker. (park photo right) http://www.zilkergarden.org/gardens/dino.html

http://www.zilkergarden.org/gardens/wildthings.html

http://www.utexas.edu/tmm/sponsored_sites/dino_pit/about.html

I challenged myself to name the native plants along the path. I did very well. I used to be paid to do that for environmental/habitat studies.

Visiting the gardens reminded me of how little I get outside.

I have a collection of potted plants around the door, my garden, that I like to sit with and visit. I was really excited to see bees the other afternoon.

Rage at Cancer

I got in touch with my rage at cancer for making cancer care the center of my life.
Just as I began to recover from my lastchemo my great dog Molly went into a health crisis.

I could not be with her. It felt like a promise broken.
Molly refused breakfast. By the time my husband Charley brought her to me she had collapsed, her tongue and gums were almost white. Clearly in shock, she was still licking my face and snuggling my neck.
Our vet, Dr Meyers, has seen her through good health, cancer, tooth infection and minor scraps. He found that Molly's heart was significantly and suddenly enlarged. Her recent blood panels and xrays had all been very normal. This was a sudden change.

They began giving her drugs to take pressure off the heart and try to restore normal flow. By evening it was clear that her heart was going to kill her and the questions was when (soon) and how ugly that would be. I was in constant contact with the vet's office every step of the way but so sad that I could not be with her.

At 10pm we made the decision to put her down with peace, grace and dignity. It breaks my heart and shocks me that she went so fast. When I visited with her Sunday she was active, looking good, wanting treats and not coughing or showing signs of fluid retention. I had planned to enter her in veterans at the nationals for a last celebration.

We never scored very high in obedience because her idea of heel position was formed in herding trials. However, she maintained that behind the heel position consistently both on and off leash. When she knew she was right, she just stuck with it. RIP sweet girl CH SilverDust Cherokee Rose CD, RN, HSAs, ROM (Sept 2, 1997-Sept 15, 2009)

Hot Sauce

It's been frustrating. I don't look forward to the next Cisplatin treatment but if I am going to go through this I should at least being getting the right treatment schedule.
At my last office visit with my Austin oncologist my xray results had not been forwarded to her. She decided that I should have a CT scan before the next treatment for monitoring purposes even though I am scheduled for xray, CT and PET scans at MD Anderson end of Oct. I waited and waited for the schedule. Nothing. Finally I called and complained to the nurse that I did not want to grow tumors waiting on approval of the CT scan before chemo is scheduled. I was pretty grumpy but nicely thanked her for dealing with it for me. I woke up at 4:00am this morning worried about it. This morning they called and said I was scheduled for chemo Friday ( 6 days late). I should be able to barely bounce back by the time my daughter is here to visit on the 18th.
If I am able to drink fluids and Ensure I should not crash as hard as I did last time.
The coordination between the doctors is less than it should be. I don't want to suffer because I am caught between egos.
An unfortunate side effect of this chemo is ringing in my ears and loss of upper range hearing :<

Youtube always cheers me up. I recently watched Red Green Show - the dog wash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwRNIJz8DmM and in honor of chemo Red's Hot Sauce
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hNxA8JBW8E

I Did Not Create Cancer

I want to share my heart with my friends. I tend to be a reserved person and tend not to broadcast my troubles. However, I have learned that when a friend of mine is engaged in a life and death struggle, I want to know.



As one friend observed knowing allows you to be your best self. She had an overly (IMHO) private friend who did not share the news of their illness with friends and shocked them by dying suddenly.



My aunt died of cancer. While walking to the church for her memorial service my uncle was proudly explaining that during her last months they had not let friends know how ill she way. He explained that they did not want to be pitied.


I was stunned. Reflecting on it I could see that it was a pattern in her life. She had refused to share other important troubles in her life. Some with good reason since they were socially difficult. It did not mean that her friends and community did not know generally about those troubles, just that it was a forbidden topic of conversation.

Hopefully we are moving to a point where no one should be ashamed of having cancer. Yes there are books claiming you can prevent cancer. However, it is not that simple. Some of us are genetically set up to have one or more types of cancer. We can try to live healthy, limit exposure to carcinogens, and try for the best health care possible. We can not control everything.



I was born and lived in both Chicago and the petrochemical gulf coast before the Clean Air Act and Clean Water Act helped reduce carcinogens in our air and water. I have lived as healthy a life as I could while still driving cars, gassing them up, eating in restaurants with friends, living and working in building with modern carpets and plastics. I have even had a few friends who smoked.


I did not do anything wrong.


I did not create cancer in my life.


I am not ashamed that cancer has taken the center stage of my life.



Perhaps aggressively applying for a spot in tamoxifen studies would have helped? I don't know. I know that I can not time travel to change my family tree. There are lots of relatives in both of my parents families that died of cancer. Both grandfathers did. My father's father died of stomach cancer in about 1928. My maternal grandfather died of bone cancer when he was 62 in 1939. And that's just two of the relatives that died of cancer.



Knowing the type of environmental exposure I have had, its likely a miracle that I did not have some kind of cancer earlier.