Fears

In his regular Saturday column Bob Lively writes:



"I have become convinced that heaven's consistent message to humanity is the three-word admonition: "Be not afraid!" "

I don't know if this is heaven's consistent message but it is something I am directly dealing with now.

http://www.statesman.com/life/content/life/stories/faith/2009/12/12/1212words.html

I just don't know if I am learning to live without paralyzing fear in the face of fatal illness or not. Having lived through more than a year of cancer treatment I came to think of cancer as a certainty. Now, although no one can or would say that both cancers are cured, it's not certain that they will come back.

Do I need to feel certain? In the midst of life, death comes. This was no better proven than the accidental death of Ed. We were all certain he was going to outlive most of his long time friends. I wonder if a certainty that life was going to be long and full made his life rich with friends and adventure?

I remember being young, certain, adventurous and barely touched with thoughts of mortality. What about this life I have now? Maybe I should just pick a stance and go with that? If cancer returns, then I will deal with that, if it does not, at least I wont have lived as though it's around every corner and under every cough.

A year ago my plan was to return to my life and proceed as though nothing had happened. That is really not possible. Cancer has left it's marks. Will I get the focused brain that recalls facts, names and organizes information? Chemo brain is no fun. I flat out do not recall events I should from the past and my short term memory is not that good either.

I am fortunate to have the love of family and friends. Although I have lost in areas our society uses to measure worth (money, possessions and position) I don't feel like a loser, just embarrassed on occasion. Although after hundreds of thousands of dollars of treatments, no one else seems embarrassed. We all seem concerned that there is not enough money to do the research and improved treatments needed. I recently read that treatments for osteosarcoma are twenty years old. No recent break throughs that have entered accepted treatment practices.

There have been many fearful and dark experiences and sometimes I feel pressure to cast myself as a victim of my experiences, but truthfully, I think I’ve benefited from them as well as fallen victim. Maybe I can build on that feeling to fight fear.



At 60 plus I know I am not immortal and that death will come. However, I would still like to not be home when death comes knocking.